How To: Me

I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor, head cradled in my hands with tears pooling in my palms. My breath was quick. I had to leave work again. Then, I thought my mental health had hit a rock bottom, but really it was just beginning. I knew deep down that it was time to go back on medication after successfully weaning off just 4 years previous, and that nothing I could do on my own could fix the chemical imbalance that saturated my thought patterns, the way I would react or respond, and that aching guilt of self loathing.

I decided to be vulnerable and open up to my colleagues, sharing the nitty gritty details of my divorce, and how I’d been having nightmares of my youngest daughter dying on my chest after her birth, just two more life events added to the traumas of my early childhood. It’s been fucking peachy.

The timing of these two tragedies were impeccable, unfortunate and at times even humorous.

Somehow, I’d become blind, and surrounded myself with others who didn’t understand what trauma can do to a person. They’d tell me I had much to be happy about; that I should count my blessings. They’d tell me my daughter is fine now, so I shouldn’t be stuck in the past. They’d even try to convince me that my failed marriage was worth sticking through, even though it wasn’t healthy. I was to make it easier for everyone else to “deal with me”, so that they didn’t have to.

But one day that changed, when someone came up to me with their words and kind gesture, and allowed me to believe that I could get through this because they understood, at the time having someone who understood was so foreign. She came up to me and said, ” I’ve been doing some reading, and I found out that visuals can help your negative thought patterns. So, here’s a rubber band for your wrist. All you have to do is look at it when you have those thoughts, and you can snap it. I’m trying to help you redirect your thoughts.”

But the gestures didn’t stop there. Soon, my eyes had opened up and I had realized that I was left feeling vulnerable because I felt so safe to work through my shit with the comfort of my loved ones around me. They were there all along, but my mental illness was devoted to only hearing the people who either intentionally or not, made me feel like my mental illness was my fault and that I should be ashamed. As the year progressed, my circle became more apparent: Who was helping me, and who was consistently showing up and who was worth keeping in that circle.

So, I’ve come up with a list of types of people you need in your life to do just that. You don’t need just medication and therapy. You need a trauma informed circle.

• The Researchers

Perhaps the most important of the categories, find the people who are familiar with mental illness, or the ones that are willing to learn. Having these relationships in your life can provide you with a blanket of safety, because if they already understand the symptoms of depression and anxiety, you’re not going to have to explain or repeat yourself. Having researchers in your circle can support someone with anxiety or depression by giving them a feeling of relief, and has the ability to decrease events that may trigger someone with anxiety or depression into an anxiety attack, or depressive downward spiral.

I remember going home the day my friend gave me that rubber band, and crying happy tears. I was exhausted, trying to come up with different ways to explain myself and my seemingly negative outlook. But she saw my mental illness was deteriorating. She noticed the symptoms I was too tired to justify, and she was proactive with no judgement. This moment of visual clarity enabled me to keep seeing the support in my circle, which helped me identify what was my depression, and what was my true self.

• The Gift Givers

Don’t get me wrong, a pedicure or a weekend away is absolutely grand but perhaps the most meaningful gifts include article or podcast suggestions, handpicked flowers, or a love note. Find the friends who are willing to cheer you up, without breaking the bank. Find the friends who surprise you with these expressions of support and hold them close. These forms of expression can remind someone experiencing anxiety and depression that their support is still there and is consistent, without the classic “Aw honey, if you need anything, let me know”, because someone with anxiety and depression will not let you know when they need something.

My most meaningful gifts have come in the form of rocks, feathers, coffee dates and especially love notes, quotes or passages. Many of my circle have handpicked polished stones and minerals, find their significance and present it to me with intention. Personally I’ve been gifted many stones of Citrine and Amethyst , which evoke manifestation, happiness, purification and cleansing light. I’m no skeptic to the power of nature, so these beautiful natural stones reside in the rooms of my house I spend time in, or in the pocket of my jeans. There’s nothing like waking up to messages or visuals of reassurance, and thoughtful words. I treasure the simple things the most.

• The Accountability Holders

You don’t know you need one until you have one. These people check in on how many doctor appointments you’ve had, if you’ve taken your medication, or sometimes, they might even ask for your therapists phone number, schedule a session for you and drive you to it. These supports have patience, understand your limitations, and are the strength you don’t have in the moment. It’s important to swallow your pride when embracing help, and these people should be gentle and incredibly good at convincing you that you are worth the effort. These relationships are healthy when you don’t feel guilt or shame when taking their help.

“I’m going to call you tomorrow to ask how your session went to make sure you’ll go. And then you’re going to come to my house because you’re not going to be alone”.

“Hey, let’s go pick up your prescription and go for tea”.

“Hi girl, I’m just checking in and making sure you took your medication today. Send me a picture of it on your tongue please”.

“I know the health benefits don’t cover all your therapy sessions, so I’m going to pay for your next session. You’re not allowed to say no”.

• The Community Builders

Find the circle that comes together to figure out how to support you next. This could be an evening out, a compilation of inspiring quotes, spending a day or weekend hiking, making a special dinner together, or building resources to assist you with whats needed at the time. Having an obligation to attend can encourage someone with anxiety or depression to socialize, and experience connection.

My eyes welled up with tears when a friend came over and said “So, you’re not allowed to say no, but theres a group of us who’ve pooled together some money for you and we’re going to give it to you”. I was speechless. Not working due to my mental illness, I wanted to keep my young three children in a their child care facility so I could expose them less to this adversity. I was just trying to survive. But, due to my “laziness” and “irresponsibility” while on medical leave, child care fees began to accumulate, and their spaces were threatened with termination. Feeling devastated and defeated, I let myself down. Again, I swallowed my pride. That money was raised so that my children could stay, and I could continue going to therapy during the day. This was a group of individuals who saw the entirety of the situation and understood me as a human being experiencing a crisis. Another day in my life when my faith in humanity was restored.

• The Talkers

Sometimes, a person who has anxiety and depression should sit with a friend who talks. The friend who narrates back to you what you’re experiencing, and importantly validates why you feel the way you feel. These people are extremely vital to the circle of support, because they provide an auditory understanding for the individual experiencing hardship. These people are aware of your strengths and speak of them often, to encourage your heart to move forward, and your brain to connect positive thinking patterns. Perhaps, The Talkers, should consider a career in counselling because after you, they’ve already earned their work experience hours, anyways.

Funnily enough, some of these people in my life are actually pursuing careers in psychology and counselling.

• The Go-Getters

Or perhaps, The Boundary Pushers, these relationships are the ones that listen to your personal goals, and help you achieve them. Depression and anxiety are just part of the journey to success in their mindset, and therefore these individuals are the ones who walk along side you and all of your (sometimes irrational ideas), solely for the fact that you’re motivated and getting out of the house. Sometimes, these people will understand your needs more than what you can during a low, and make you healthily uncomfortable and encourage you to step out of your own comfort. This means they could call you with no time limits, repeatedly and firmly ask you to come out to socialize when you’ve declined the offer, and stick beside you to provide a security that day or evening. Sometimes, these Go- Getters will show up at your house unannounced, with an itinerary, or clean your house while you cry.

I’ll never forget standing in my kitchen, tears streaming down my face with a hollow heart, texting a friend saying that I didn’t have it in me to hike with her that evening. My vulnerability lead me to be honest, and feeling proud of communicating my needs, I was overwhelmingly grateful when she opened my door, hiking shoes in her hands and said “I know you want to stay in your house, but we’re going hiking. You’re not allowed to sulk right now, we can do that when we get there”, as she gestured to the rock face we’d stand on within the next hour. It was late spring, so we watched the sunset, and stayed talking for over an hour with the view of the mountain tops in golden hour. I thought I didn’t want to get out of my house, but she saved me that day. And has repeatedly followed through over and over again since.

• The Empathetic Mirrors

There is no discretion between yourself and someone else who experiences depression and anxiety. These individuals get it. They’ve understood your deepest darkest thoughts, and your most irrational outbursts because, they too struggle. Having these individuals is vital for your healing because they also bring you validation- you are not alone, and you are not what society says you are. These individuals will open up about their therapy sessions, and invite you into their journeys of healing, what worked for them, and what role they will play in helping you heal. Often times, these are the ones who you connect with instantly upon meeting- perhaps a love at first sight situation. You can feel it.

We were in the back country, camping overnight together, just the two of us and a 16oz bottle of Jose Cuervo. At that point, we’d only known one another for a few months, but the level of trust and unconditional love was apparent from the moment we met.

“I like you because you have this healing energy about you. I don’t even know what you’ve been through but I see you working through your depression and anxiety like I am, and it’s so fucking relieving. Cheers!” We sat in the hut for hours, laughing, crying and relating to one another. We talked more adventures, and solidified the importance of our blossoming friendship. The validation that comes from another person experiencing what I am, wildly motivates me to choose this life.

• The Boundary Holders

Ah, the most controversial to discuss, in my own opinion, though one does not realize their significance or importance to your journey until you’ve reached the ability to understand what is your mental health, and what is your true self. The Boundary Holders will not discuss your mental health with you, though they are heavily aware that you are experiencing a crisis. They may make space between someone who has anxiety and depression, or they might only do so when that person has succumbed to a threshold lower than what The Boundary Holder has the capacity for. These people are aware of their needs, and what they can offer and are confident enough to uphold their limits with and for someone with a mental health illness. Isn’t that triggering? You might ask. Won’t someone who is struggling feel neglected or abandoned? The answer is, perhaps, although The Boundary Holders set an extremely valuable example for someone who is learning to cope. It can be a blessing in disguise, and inspiring for someone who is learning to set their own boundaries to keep a Boundary Holder in their circle.

She stayed out of my life for months, still answering to me and offering support in the best way she knew how. She’d check in, and make conversation light, often redirecting to positive and open ended topics. She suggested that we could bond through a variety of ways, finding a new hobby together where we could remain friends but I will never unsee her ability to understand me, herself and what she was willing to offer, all while maintaining healthy limits to not upset her own needs at the time. She doesn’t miss an opportunity to share her love and encouragement, or follow through with her suggestions, with no guilt of being able to hold the space for me during an anxiety attack or depressive low. Impeccable talent.

• The Constants

With a combination of many of the above characteristics, The Constants are the individuals who call, write, validate and are the most consistent of your relationships in your circle. The Constants are the ones who can offer safety, and unsolicited conversation in the middle of the night, or offer guidance when elevated. The Constants do not reach their title without years of building trust and understanding of your mental illness. They are the few individuals who offer what is unimaginably reasonable for a relationship, yet they do so willingly and selflessly. Trust? Validation? Safety? Comfort? That’s wholeheartedly them.

I don’t answer calls as often as I should, or respond to every single message that they write. But without judgement, these individuals have continued to maintain their “type” by offering me that person to call, cry to, or problem solve whenever I want, and on my time. And surprisingly enough, these ones don’t necessarily live in the same community as me. In fact, most of them live in different cities, around North America, so much of our relationships are not based off of physical hang outs at all. We video chat, send memes and cry to each other when necessary.

I am no trained professional, although someday I will be. I am merely just a woman experiencing her rock bottom with more clarity than I’ve ever had. This is brought to you by over a decade of trauma therapy, medications, trial and error and maybe an above average amount of hardship. I’ve learned that you can’t control what happens in your life, but I have learned that there are ways to understand yourself, society and to create an individualized support system in order to live a fulfilling life as someone who lives with a mental illness, and someone who believes there is a place for everyone in this world.